Touching
Touching is one of the most powerful forms of non-verbal communication and needs to be managed with care.
Ritual
Touching is a common part of many rituals, in which the action often has a long-forgotten symbolic meaning.
Greeting and departure
By far the most common touching ritual is greeting and departure, although the actual form of the ritual changes across countries. This may include shaking hands, hugging, kissing, rubbing noses and other touching.
When hold out your hand, you show that are not holding a weapon. When you allow others to touch you, you are indicating a level of trust.
Dominance
Men on men
Men have a particular concern about status, in particular relative to one another. This is a primitive tribal game and is played out every day around the world.
When one man touches another, even if it appears that it is related to sympathy, then there is a game of status and power being played out.
Shaking hands
Shaking hands, although basically a ritual, may also contain significant acts of domination.
The 'power grip' grabs the other person's hand firmly and shakes vigorously. The 'vice grip' does this to extreme, intending to demonstrate strength by causing pain.
The 'hand on top' method offers the palm down, using the principle that being above the other person in any way symbolizes superiority. This is often combined with an elbow grab.
There is also domination in the duration of the shake. If you do not let go within the prescribed period, then you are taking control. Even for a second, this can send subtle power signals.
Back and arm touching
Patting on the back and touching the arm may be an act of sympathy and friendship. It can also be an act of dominance. Again, between men and particularly in situations of power, this is a signal of who is in charge.
Countering dominance
The simplest way of countering dominant touching is to do it back to the other person. This can be very surprising for them, especially if you seem not to be subdued and even may be smiling at their surprise.
If they pat you on the back or arm, you can do it to them with the other hand, put you hand on top or slide your arm underneath and pat their side (if they are on top, this shows that you have got beneath their guard). You can even turn the whole thing into a hug.
Sympathy
Touching is often used as a form of demonstrating sympathy, particularly between women. Men also may use it, but it is easily confused with acts of power (it may also be mistaken for homosexual acts of intimacy).
Distant sympathy
Showing sympathy when you are not very close to the other person typically is done with more distant and brief touching of the back, shoulder or arm.
Even a short touch can be very comforting and is effective when you fear that they may misunderstand the touch as dominance or intimacy.
Close sympathy
Closer forms of sympathetic touching are closer to intimate actions, such as putting your arm around the other person or hugging them as they cry or touching the arm for more prolonged periods.
This is more common amongst women, partners or very close friends.
Intimacy
Friends
Friends tend to greet each other with more intimate touching, such a hugging or even kissing (although this may vary with culture).
Friendship touching will also vary with the intensity and type of friendship. Some people you just touch more and some do not like it. In a group of friends, one tactile person may convert the whole group to a more touchy culture.
Families
Families touch one another more, in particular parents and children, where as well as sympathetic touching there may be guidance and others forms of touch.
As with friends (and lovers), families touch each other more partly because they trust one another and also to sustain bonding and trust.
Lovers
Partners and lovers touch each other a great deal. Intimacy does not have to be all sexual and is often just because it feels good. This may include holding hands, arms around each other, necking, nuzzling and kissing.
And of course there is also sexual touching, done with the deliberate intent of arousal and gratification.
Bonding
Gueguen and Fischer-Lokou (2003) showed how touching another person during a conversation influenced the other person very strongly. After touching a stranger when asking directions, turning away and 'dropping' some diskettes, the touched subject would stoop to help pick them up 90% of the time, as opposed to 63% of the time when they were not touched.
Touch creates a bonding effect and this experiment shows how powerful this is in turning a stranger to offer proactive support. Of course asking them for directions also had an effect, but the increase is significantly more with just a light touch. This bonding effect is clearly significant for other sections above and constitutes a significant method for influencing others.
Source: http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/
Submissive body language
Submissive body language
A significant cluster of body movements is used to signal fear and readiness to submit.
This is common in animals, where fighting (that could terminally harm each animal) is avoided by displays of aggression or submission.
Body positions
The body in fearful stances is generally closed, and may also include additional aspects.
Making the body small
Hunching inwards reduces the size of the body, limiting the potential of being hit and protecting vital areas. In a natural setting, being small may also reduce the chance of being seen. Arms are held in. A crouching position may be taken, even slightly with knees slightly bent. This is approaching the curled-up regressive fetal position.
Motionlessness
By staying still, the chance of being seen is, in a natural setting, reduced (which is why many animals freeze when they are fearful). When exposed, it also reduces the chance of accidentally sending signals which may be interpreted as being aggressive. It also signals submission in that you are ready to be struck and will not fight back.
Head
Head down
Turning the chin and head down protects the vulnerable neck from attack. It also avoids looking the other person in the face (staring is a sign of aggression).
Eyes
Widening the eyes makes you look more like a baby and hence signals your vulnerability.
Looking attentively at the other person shows that you are hanging on their every word.
Mouth
Submissive people smile more at dominant people, but they often smile with the mouth but not with the eyes.
Gestures
Submissive gestures
There are many gestures that have the primary intent of showing submission and that there is no intent to harm the other person. Hands out and palms up shows that no weapons are held and is a common pleading gesture.
Other gestures and actions that indicate tension may indicate the state of fear. This includes hair tugging, face touching and jerky movement. There may also be signs such as whiteness of the face and sweating.
Small gestures
When the submissive person must move, then small gestures are often made. These may be slow to avoid alarming the other person, although tension may make them jerky.
Source: http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/
A significant cluster of body movements is used to signal fear and readiness to submit.
This is common in animals, where fighting (that could terminally harm each animal) is avoided by displays of aggression or submission.
Body positions
The body in fearful stances is generally closed, and may also include additional aspects.
Making the body small
Hunching inwards reduces the size of the body, limiting the potential of being hit and protecting vital areas. In a natural setting, being small may also reduce the chance of being seen. Arms are held in. A crouching position may be taken, even slightly with knees slightly bent. This is approaching the curled-up regressive fetal position.
Motionlessness
By staying still, the chance of being seen is, in a natural setting, reduced (which is why many animals freeze when they are fearful). When exposed, it also reduces the chance of accidentally sending signals which may be interpreted as being aggressive. It also signals submission in that you are ready to be struck and will not fight back.
Head
Head down
Turning the chin and head down protects the vulnerable neck from attack. It also avoids looking the other person in the face (staring is a sign of aggression).
Eyes
Widening the eyes makes you look more like a baby and hence signals your vulnerability.
Looking attentively at the other person shows that you are hanging on their every word.
Mouth
Submissive people smile more at dominant people, but they often smile with the mouth but not with the eyes.
Gestures
Submissive gestures
There are many gestures that have the primary intent of showing submission and that there is no intent to harm the other person. Hands out and palms up shows that no weapons are held and is a common pleading gesture.
Other gestures and actions that indicate tension may indicate the state of fear. This includes hair tugging, face touching and jerky movement. There may also be signs such as whiteness of the face and sweating.
Small gestures
When the submissive person must move, then small gestures are often made. These may be slow to avoid alarming the other person, although tension may make them jerky.
Source: http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/
Romantic body language
Romantic body language
A significant cluster of body movements has to do with romance, signaling to a person of the opposite sex that you are interested in partnering with them.
From afar
From afar, the first task of body language is to signal interest (and then to watch for reciprocal body language).
Eyes
The eyes do much signaling. Initially and from a distance, a person may look at you for slightly longer than normal, then look away, then look back up at you, again for a longer period.
Preening
There are many preening gestures. What you are basically saying with this is 'I am making myself look good for you'. This includes tossing of the head, brushing hair with hand, polishing spectacles and brushing clothes.
Enacting
Remote romantic language may also include enactment of sexually stimulating activities, for example caressing oneself, for example stroking arms, leg or face. This may either say 'I would like to stroke you like this' or 'I would like you to stroke me like this'.
Similarly, the person (women in particular) may lick and purse their lips into a kiss shape and leave their mouth slightly open in imitation of sexual readiness.
Objects held may be also used in enactment displays, including cigarettes and wine glasses, for example rolling and stroking them.
Displaying
Attractive parts of the body may be exposed, thrust forward, wiggled or otherwise highlighted. For women this includes breasts, neck, bottom and legs. For men it includes a muscular torso, arms or legs, and particularly the crotch (note that women seldom do this).
Faking often happens. Pressing together muscles gives the impression of higher muscle tone. Pressing together and lifting breasts (sometimes helped with an appropriate brassiere) makes them look firmer and larger. Holding out shoulders and arms makes the body look bigger. Holding in the abdomen gives the impression of a firm tummy.
This is often playing to primitive needs. Women show that they are healthy and that they are able to bear and feed the man's child. The man shows he is virile, strong and able to protect the woman and her child.
Leaning
Leaning your body towards another person says 'I would like to be closer to you'. It also tests to see whether they lean towards you or away from you. It can start with the head with a simple tilt or may use the entire torso. This may be coupled with listening intently to what they say, again showing particular interest in them.
Pointing
A person who is interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot, knee, arm or head. It is effectively a signal that says 'I would like to go in this direction'.
Other displays
Other forms of more distant display that are intended to attract include:
* Sensual or dramatic dancing (too dramatic, and it can have the opposite effect).
* Crotch display, where (particularly male) legs are held apart to show off genitalia.
* Faked interest in others, to invoke envy or hurry a closer engagement.
* Nodding gently, as if to say 'Yes, I do like you.'
Up close
When you are close to the other person, the body language progressively gets more intimate until one person signals 'enough'.
Close in and personal
In moving closer to the other person, you move from social space into their personal body space, showing how you would like to get even closer to them, perhaps holding them and more...
Standing square-on to them also blocks anyone else from joining the conversation and signals to others to stay away.
Copying
Imitating the person in some way shows 'I am like you'. This can range from a similar body position to using the same gestures and language.
Lovers' gaze
When you are standing close to them, you will holding each other's gaze for longer and longer periods before looking away. You many also use what are called 'doe eyes' or 'bedroom eyes', which are often slightly moist and with the head inclined slightly down.
Where the eyes go is important. Looking at lips means 'I want to kiss'. Looking at other parts of the body may mean 'I want to touch'.
A very subtle signal that few realize is that the eyes will dilate such that the dark pupils get much bigger (this is one reason why dark-eyed people can seem attractive).
Touching
Touching signals even closer intimacy. It may start with 'accidental' brushing, followed by touching of 'safe' parts of the body such as arms or back.
Caressing is gentle stroking that may start in the safer regions and then stray (especially when alone) to sexual regions.
Source: http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/
A significant cluster of body movements has to do with romance, signaling to a person of the opposite sex that you are interested in partnering with them.
From afar
From afar, the first task of body language is to signal interest (and then to watch for reciprocal body language).
Eyes
The eyes do much signaling. Initially and from a distance, a person may look at you for slightly longer than normal, then look away, then look back up at you, again for a longer period.
Preening
There are many preening gestures. What you are basically saying with this is 'I am making myself look good for you'. This includes tossing of the head, brushing hair with hand, polishing spectacles and brushing clothes.
Enacting
Remote romantic language may also include enactment of sexually stimulating activities, for example caressing oneself, for example stroking arms, leg or face. This may either say 'I would like to stroke you like this' or 'I would like you to stroke me like this'.
Similarly, the person (women in particular) may lick and purse their lips into a kiss shape and leave their mouth slightly open in imitation of sexual readiness.
Objects held may be also used in enactment displays, including cigarettes and wine glasses, for example rolling and stroking them.
Displaying
Attractive parts of the body may be exposed, thrust forward, wiggled or otherwise highlighted. For women this includes breasts, neck, bottom and legs. For men it includes a muscular torso, arms or legs, and particularly the crotch (note that women seldom do this).
Faking often happens. Pressing together muscles gives the impression of higher muscle tone. Pressing together and lifting breasts (sometimes helped with an appropriate brassiere) makes them look firmer and larger. Holding out shoulders and arms makes the body look bigger. Holding in the abdomen gives the impression of a firm tummy.
This is often playing to primitive needs. Women show that they are healthy and that they are able to bear and feed the man's child. The man shows he is virile, strong and able to protect the woman and her child.
Leaning
Leaning your body towards another person says 'I would like to be closer to you'. It also tests to see whether they lean towards you or away from you. It can start with the head with a simple tilt or may use the entire torso. This may be coupled with listening intently to what they say, again showing particular interest in them.
Pointing
A person who is interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot, knee, arm or head. It is effectively a signal that says 'I would like to go in this direction'.
Other displays
Other forms of more distant display that are intended to attract include:
* Sensual or dramatic dancing (too dramatic, and it can have the opposite effect).
* Crotch display, where (particularly male) legs are held apart to show off genitalia.
* Faked interest in others, to invoke envy or hurry a closer engagement.
* Nodding gently, as if to say 'Yes, I do like you.'
Up close
When you are close to the other person, the body language progressively gets more intimate until one person signals 'enough'.
Close in and personal
In moving closer to the other person, you move from social space into their personal body space, showing how you would like to get even closer to them, perhaps holding them and more...
Standing square-on to them also blocks anyone else from joining the conversation and signals to others to stay away.
Copying
Imitating the person in some way shows 'I am like you'. This can range from a similar body position to using the same gestures and language.
Lovers' gaze
When you are standing close to them, you will holding each other's gaze for longer and longer periods before looking away. You many also use what are called 'doe eyes' or 'bedroom eyes', which are often slightly moist and with the head inclined slightly down.
Where the eyes go is important. Looking at lips means 'I want to kiss'. Looking at other parts of the body may mean 'I want to touch'.
A very subtle signal that few realize is that the eyes will dilate such that the dark pupils get much bigger (this is one reason why dark-eyed people can seem attractive).
Touching
Touching signals even closer intimacy. It may start with 'accidental' brushing, followed by touching of 'safe' parts of the body such as arms or back.
Caressing is gentle stroking that may start in the safer regions and then stray (especially when alone) to sexual regions.
Source: http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/
Relaxed body language
Relaxed body language
A relaxed body generally lacks tension. Muscles are relaxed and loose. Movement is fluid and the person seems happy or unconcerned overall.
Relaxed body
Torso
The torso may sag slightly to one side (but not be held there by irregular tension). It may also be well-balanced, with the shoulders balanced above the pelvis. It does not curl up with fear, though it may curl up in a restful pose.
Shoulders are not tensed up and generally hang loosely down.
Breathing
Breathing is steady and slower. This may make the voice a little lower than usual.
Color
The color of the skin is generally normal, being neither reddened by anger or embarrassment, nor pale with fear. There are no unusual patches, for example on the neck or cheeks.
Relaxed limbs
Relaxed limbs hang loosely. They do not twitch and seldom cross one another, unless as a position of comfort.
Arms
Tense arms are rigid and may be held close to the body. They may move in suddenly, a staccato manner. Relaxed arms either hang loosely or move smoothly.
If arms cross one another, they hand loosely. Any crossing, of course can indicate some tension. Folding arms may just be comfortable.
Hands
When we are anxious, we often use our hands to touch ourselves, hold ourselves or otherwise show tension. Relaxed hands hang loose or are used to enhance what we are saying. They are generally open and may shape ideas in the air. Gestures are open and gentle, not sudden nor tense.
Legs
Legs when sitting may sit gently on the floor or may be casually flung out. They may move in time to music, with tapping toes. They may be crossed, but are not wound around one another.
Note that legs can be a particular sign of hidden tension when the person is controlling the upper body and arms. When they are sitting at a table, what you see may be relaxed, but the legs may be held tense and wrapped.
Relaxed head
There are major signs of a relaxed person in their face.
Mouth
The person may smile gently or broadly without any signs of grimacing. Otherwise the mouth is relatively still.
When talking, the mouth opens moderately, neither with small movements nor large movement. The voice sounds relaxed without unusually high pitch and without sudden changes in pitch or speed.
Eyes
The eyes smile with the mouth, particularly in the little creases at the side of the eyes.
A relaxed gaze will look directly at another person without staring, and with little blinking. The eyes are generally dry.
Eyebrows are stable or may move with speech. They do not frown.
Other areas
Other muscles in the face are generally relaxed The forehead is a major indicator and lines only appear in gentle expression. The sides of the face are not drawn back.
When the head moves, it is smoothly and in time with relaxed talk or other expression.
Source: http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/
A relaxed body generally lacks tension. Muscles are relaxed and loose. Movement is fluid and the person seems happy or unconcerned overall.
Relaxed body
Torso
The torso may sag slightly to one side (but not be held there by irregular tension). It may also be well-balanced, with the shoulders balanced above the pelvis. It does not curl up with fear, though it may curl up in a restful pose.
Shoulders are not tensed up and generally hang loosely down.
Breathing
Breathing is steady and slower. This may make the voice a little lower than usual.
Color
The color of the skin is generally normal, being neither reddened by anger or embarrassment, nor pale with fear. There are no unusual patches, for example on the neck or cheeks.
Relaxed limbs
Relaxed limbs hang loosely. They do not twitch and seldom cross one another, unless as a position of comfort.
Arms
Tense arms are rigid and may be held close to the body. They may move in suddenly, a staccato manner. Relaxed arms either hang loosely or move smoothly.
If arms cross one another, they hand loosely. Any crossing, of course can indicate some tension. Folding arms may just be comfortable.
Hands
When we are anxious, we often use our hands to touch ourselves, hold ourselves or otherwise show tension. Relaxed hands hang loose or are used to enhance what we are saying. They are generally open and may shape ideas in the air. Gestures are open and gentle, not sudden nor tense.
Legs
Legs when sitting may sit gently on the floor or may be casually flung out. They may move in time to music, with tapping toes. They may be crossed, but are not wound around one another.
Note that legs can be a particular sign of hidden tension when the person is controlling the upper body and arms. When they are sitting at a table, what you see may be relaxed, but the legs may be held tense and wrapped.
Relaxed head
There are major signs of a relaxed person in their face.
Mouth
The person may smile gently or broadly without any signs of grimacing. Otherwise the mouth is relatively still.
When talking, the mouth opens moderately, neither with small movements nor large movement. The voice sounds relaxed without unusually high pitch and without sudden changes in pitch or speed.
Eyes
The eyes smile with the mouth, particularly in the little creases at the side of the eyes.
A relaxed gaze will look directly at another person without staring, and with little blinking. The eyes are generally dry.
Eyebrows are stable or may move with speech. They do not frown.
Other areas
Other muscles in the face are generally relaxed The forehead is a major indicator and lines only appear in gentle expression. The sides of the face are not drawn back.
When the head moves, it is smoothly and in time with relaxed talk or other expression.
Source: http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/
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